mynamesearn

I wrote this in my diary the day before my period, so let’s just say my PMS might have been talking. But even if it did, that doesn’t make these feelings any less real. Emotions hit differently at times, and that’s okay. If something here resonates with you, maybe it’s not just me. Maybe it’s all of us. None of us have life completely figured out, and maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe we’re just meant to keep learning, feeling, and growing, messy, complicated, and all.

Lately, my mind’s been all over the place. I can’t seem to think straight, and when I do, it’s always about what could go wrong instead of appreciating what’s already good. If you really know me, you know I’m the one who always finds something good in everything and everyone. But right now? I can’t even see the good in myself, and that’s the problem.

I need to do something about it. Writing helps, so here I am.

And when I look around, I can’t see anyone. I have friends, but sometimes I can’t bring myself to burden them with my problems. I feel like I should be able to fix them on my own. And my family? Honestly, they’re one of my biggest worries. Sometimes, I just wish I had a healthy family, one where everyone at least has their life together in some way. But they don’t. And sometimes that thought really bothers me. I love them, but I don’t always like them, you know?

I’ve never had a role model, no one around me has their life together, and it’s been hard on my relationships. It’s tough to learn how to love and connect when everything feels unstable. So, when something real starts happening, it scares me. I end up self-sabotaging and messing everything up.

But I’ve also learned that sometimes, it’s not me messing up, it’s just that we’re not the right match. I’m blaming myself less, at least I’m trying. But it’s not easy, you know? Sometimes, life will push me to my limit, but maybe that’s just normal.

I try not to blame everything on my past. I know things happen for a reason. But some days, it feels impossible to handle. And as a woman, my hormones don’t make it easier, every day feels like a new set of thoughts and emotions to navigate. One minute, I’m okay, the next, the world feels like it’s crashing down. It’s exhausting.

I’ve also been feeling like my relationship might be falling apart. And I don’t want to think that. But sometimes, I catch myself wondering if I even deserve love. And I know that’s just my negative thoughts creeping in, but it still hits hard. Some days, I just want to disappear.

I think too much about everything, my life, my mistakes, my future. I used to believe I had healed, but now I realize no one is ever 100% healed. Life is just one long lesson, and no matter how stable you are, there’s always something new to figure out. Maybe that’s just how it is.

Money has always been a struggle for me. I tell myself I’ll save, but somehow, I always end up spending. This year, I’m determined to change that, or at least, I’m trying. And that’s when things in my relationship started feeling off. Because I’m cutting back on spending, I can’t just impulsively book a trip to see him. It’s frustrating. But then, while washing dishes, I had a thought: What if I start selling something?

If I make some extra money, I could go see him without messing up my savings. It makes sense in my head, but I can’t shake this feeling of doubt. I’m thinking about bringing it up to him, but honestly, it’s making me anxious. What if he doesn’t understand? What if this becomes another problem between us? Or am I just overthinking and manifesting problems that aren’t even there?

But deep down, I know it will be fine. It might be uncomfortable, but we still care about each other enough to figure it out. I will save money. I will make it work. And I will see him this year. I can save and still love. I want to believe that.

Maybe this is what love is. It hurts, no matter what whether they’re bad for you or good for you. Because love forces you to face things, to figure things out together. And maybe that’s the point. To see if we hold on or let go. Either way, love is painfully beautiful. It makes you feel deeply. It reminds you that you care. And not everything in life can make you feel like that.

That’s how I know I love. Because I’m terrified of losing it but at the same time, I’m not afraid to let go. Because if we’re truly meant for each other, we’ll figure it out. And maybe that’s the lesson in all of this, love, fear, uncertainty, and hope will always exist together.

It’s about learning how to live with them without letting them consume you. It’s about knowing when to fight and when to surrender. And no matter how lost I feel right now, I trust that one day, I’ll look back and see that everything unfolded the way it was meant to.