mynamesearn

Confidence is not about being better than anyone else. It’s about knowing I look good and recognizing that everyone else looks good too. If confidence makes you put others down, that’s not confidence, that’s narcissism. And that’s also the behavior of something people are talking about online these days: the “Pick Me Girl.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence and how it connects to the way we see ourselves and others. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves, whether it’s with the people around us or the ones we see on social media. But confidence isn’t about proving anything to anyone, it’s about feeling secure in who you are. Unfortunately, not everyone has been taught how to be confident in a healthy way, and that’s where insecurity comes in.

Today, I want to talk about the connection between confidence and insecurity, especially in the way it plays out in the behavior of the so-called Pick Me Girl. I want to dig into why this happens, how societal expectations shape these insecurities, and most importantly, how we can build real, lasting confidence without tearing others down. If you’ve ever struggled with comparing yourself to others, feeling like you’re not good enough, or even catching yourself seeking validation in ways that don’t align with who you truly are, this is for you.

Okay first, what really is a Pick Me Girl? I searched for the definition. The term Pick Me Girl is used to describe a woman who obviously and obsessively works to gain men’s attention or acceptance. Typically, a Pick Me Girl talks about how she’s not like other women, especially in ways considered typically feminine. She might say she doesn’t wear makeup or prefers sports over fashion. You get the picture, but the point today is confidence, like I mentioned.

From a psychological perspective, the Pick Me Girl phenomenon is often rooted in internalized misogyny and social conditioning. Research in social psychology suggests that people, especially women, often conform to gender norms to gain acceptance. Research indicates that individuals who feel insecure about their belonging in a social group may adapt their behaviors to seek validation. This means that Pick Me Girls aren’t inherently bad, they’re responding to a societal system that has historically rewarded women for male approval while pitting them against each other.

In my opinion, I don’t think the Pick Me Girl is necessarily all bad. Because when you look at the cause, those girls are just insecure with themselves, and they just don’t know how to navigate it. Or they have this misogynistic view of women. And yes, this doesn’t only happen with men. Because we all come from the patriarchy. As much as we hate it, it’s still there. And those girls just got affected by that. I don’t blame them, but in this century, we should normalize being confident without looking down on other women. Like I said, “Confidence is not ‘I’m better than anyone,’ but ‘I look good, and everyone looks good too.’”

The truth about confidence is that you have to feel it within yourself first. Even the most confident people in the world have days when they don’t feel confident. Because we are human, and it’s okay to sometimes feel like the model girl on Instagram looks absolutely gorgeous while you’re sitting there looking like dog shit, drinking matcha, and scrolling on your phone. It’s natural to compare ourselves.

A 2018 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found a direct link between envy and the way we feel about ourselves. Specifically, researchers noted that when people compare themselves to others, they experience envy. And the more envy they have, the worse they feel about themselves.

But everyone has bad days. And when we accept that we’re not going to feel beautiful all the time, it doesn’t make the insecurity go away, but it does take the pressure off. You don’t have to be perfect every day, and that’s a relief. Acknowledging that we all have our moments of self-doubt can be the first step toward healing.

So today, I want to share how I lift myself up when I’m feeling like this. Because when you realize that it’s okay to have those days, you can find ways to pick yourself up and move forward with a little more self-compassion.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Fake it until you make it,” and while it’s true to some extent, some of us don’t even know where to begin when it comes to faking that confidence. I believe it starts with doing shadow work. But what the heck is shadow work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring the unconscious motivations behind your feelings and actions. These hidden forces shape your core identity, even if you’re not fully aware of them. So how do you start? It begins with journaling, and I’ve got some prompts for you to dive into.

Shadow Work Prompts

Start your shadow work by asking yourself these questions and answering them honestly. There is no right or wrong. These are just your thoughts, and they can change every time you come back and ask these questions.

• What past experiences made me feel unworthy or not good enough?
• How do those beliefs still affect my confidence today?
• Whose voice do I hear when I criticize myself?
• How do I react when I receive compliments? Why?
• What parts of myself do I feel the need to hide to be accepted?
• When did I first start doubting myself, and what caused it?
• What is one small way I can start stepping into my confidence today?

When you ask yourself these questions, you start to notice patterns or emotions that come up. The goal is to acknowledge and release the hidden fears that keep you from fully embracing your confidence. This is a way to accept yourself for who you truly are, all the flaws and quirks.

The last thing that will help you build your confidence is surrounding yourself with the right people. Choose your circle wisely. The people you spend the most time with can either lift you up or drain you, so be with those who genuinely uplift and appreciate you. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around certain people.

If you ever feel off or drained after spending time with someone, trust that feeling, there’s a reason for it. Sometimes, we ignore our instincts because we want to fit in or avoid conflict, but deep down, we know when something doesn’t feel right.

And remember, you don’t owe anyone your energy. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to please everyone. I’ve been there, doing everything I can to make others happy, only to be left feeling empty and unnoticed. That kind of energy exchange isn’t healthy.

When you’re in the right circle, the people who truly value you will see you, they’ll respect you, and you won’t feel the need to dim your light to fit in. Instead, you’ll feel confident and appreciated for just being yourself.

It’s also important to recognize that sometimes, we outgrow people in our lives. That’s not a reflection of hate or resentment, it’s simply that as we grow, we evolve, and sometimes our paths no longer align. And that’s okay. It’s a part of life.

Don’t be afraid to let go of relationships that no longer serve your peace or your growth. Protect your peace of mind, because ultimately, that is what will allow you to flourish and truly embody your confidence.

So, that’s what I wanted to share today. I hope that everyone reading this leaves feeling like they are truly beautiful, flaws and all. Your imperfections don’t make you any less worthy, in fact, they make you unique and perfectly you. I want you to find peace in knowing that your flaws don’t define you, but rather, they are part of what makes you special. Embrace them and let them guide you to a deeper understanding of who you are.

I also hope you find your people, those who see you, value you, and make you feel at home in your own skin. True confidence isn’t about being perfect; it’s about knowing you are enough just as you are. And if you’re still on that journey of discovering your confidence, just remember that you are never alone.

You always have me, your internet friend, here to remind you that you’re amazing just as you are. In this space, you can truly be anything. Surround yourself with positivity, lift others up, and together, we’ll keep growing, learning, and becoming the best versions of ourselves.

You’ve got this. And I’ve got you.