mynamesearn

Okay so first of all, hi. I know I’ve been quiet for a bit (a whole week, which is like forever in my world), but I’m back now, and I’ve got a lot to say. And FYI, I wrote this around last week.

I had a weird dream the other night. Not gonna lie, it was kind of dirty. Maybe I’ve been celibate for too long. It’s been 8 months now, which is a lot… but at the same time, I don’t even want sex. I haven’t really felt that desire. It’s like nobody is attractive to me lately. I don’t even know how to flirt anymore. Wait, actually, I still kinda do. But I’m definitely rusty. My flirting skills are not what they used to be, and I can feel it.

Anyway, before I get into this dream, I gotta confess something. I texted my ex. Yeah… I broke a boundary. And I knew it. It wasn’t good. It’s not something I’m proud of, and I’m not trying to make excuses for it either. But things like that can happen. I apologized. I took responsibility. That’s the only thing I can do. I’m human, and I make mistakes. Doesn’t mean I plan to make them again, but when they do happen, I don’t want to carry shame around forever, for me or anyone else.

That moment wasn’t my proudest, but it’s part of the story. And to be real, these past few days have actually been so good to me. I’ve been meeting up with my friends, which I don’t get to do very often. It’s felt so refreshing. Being around people who actually get you, who bring out your best energy, your fun side, your softness, it just makes me feel like myself again. Like the best version of myself.

I kept telling them “I love you” over and over again, to the point I felt kinda cringe. But you know what? I do love them. And I know they love me, too. So who cares if I sound sappy? I’m just happy, and that’s rare enough to celebrate.

Okay okay, let’s talk about the dream now. I’ve been trying all morning to remember the details. It started with me running from something. Fighting something or someone. Like full-body, sweaty, adrenaline kind of running. It was just that feeling of being chased or caught in chaos. I woke up sweaty and my heart was racing, even though it wasn’t real. But it felt so real in the moment.

I don’t know what I was running from, but I know it was intense. Somewhere along the way, the dream shifted into something more… intimate? And kind of naughty. Suddenly, I was in bed with a guy I don’t even know. Like, I have no clue who he was, but we were lying next to each other.

Here’s the strange part, we were in my childhood home. The one I lived in the longest. The one that still feels like “home” in my memories. It looked exactly how it did when I was about 14 or 15. I don’t know if that place made me feel safe or if my brain just threw in a random nostalgic setting, but it felt oddly comforting.

Oh, I forgot to mention, at one point in the dream, we were also in the living room. But the bed we were in was randomly placed right in the middle of the house. And next to the bed, not super close but close enough, was the table my grandma used to sit at all the time. That part really got me. Like, I didn’t actually see her in the dream, but I could feel her there, you know?

And here’s the messed-up part—somewhere in the middle of this spicy dream, I had this random thought like, “Wait… is my grandma watching me from heaven right now??”  Like what if she’s just casually chilling up there, watching me about to hook up with some guy in the middle of the damn house?? I know it sounds so stupid, but I think that thought is still sitting deep inside me somewhere, and now it just popped up and turned itself into dream content LOL. Our brains really be doing the most.

And even though I don’t remember his face, I remember how he made me feel. So, so loved. Someone who made me feel wanted, not just physically, but emotionally too. I woke up around 11:30 am, and even though the dream was weird and chaotic, I felt good. And guess what? I’m seeing my friends again tonight. I’m really looking forward to it. It already feels like today’s gonna be a good day.

Oh, and before I forget, I realized something else. I don’t use dating apps anymore. And weirdly, I feel kinda proud of that. No shade to anyone who does (like, let’s be real, it’s 2025, everyone’s on them), but for me, I think I needed to step away.

I used to get so affected by those apps. They messed with my confidence. Like, I knew I was more than a swipe, but still… it gets to you. These days, I know myself better. I know I’m a lover girl. I fall in love so easily. I can catch feelings for someone after one deep convo and a spark. So if I’m not in a place where I can handle that emotionally, I’d rather stay offline and protect my peace.

It’s only been three months since the breakup, and yeah, I miss him every day. I know I already said that, but it’s still true. Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up and feel fine, like I’ve finally moved on. And then out of nowhere, a song plays, or a memory pops up, and I feel that ache all over again.

I even texted him. Not proud, but I promised myself I’d be honest. It wasn’t my finest moment, but I’m not gonna sit here and shame myself for being human. Sometimes emotions slip out, especially when you’ve loved someone that deeply. I crossed a boundary, I know that, and I owned it. But I’m learning. 

Maybe this is part of my little experiment. My soft social detox. My season of taking a step back from dating apps and the need to constantly “connect” with someone new.

Because before all these apps existed, people still fell in love. People still met at grocery stores and cafés and train stations. They got married, had kids, built lives without algorithms and swipe culture. So maybe I can try it my way too. Maybe I don’t need to rush into another situationship just to feel wanted.

I know that sounds a bit hopeless romantic of me but I truly believe in it. Me and my ex? We were proof that you really can meet someone anywhere. Even in the most romantic, unexpected places. We weren’t some dating app match. We were real. So maybe love doesn’t need to be swiped into existence. Maybe it just happens. Like it used to.

And hey, if I randomly bump into someone hot today and somehow flirt a little… that would be fun. I mean, a girl can still daydream, right? I’m not completely out of the game. I still got it, just a little rusty. But if nothing happens, I’m still good. I feel like I’m slowly coming back to myself. Slowly remembering who I am outside of heartbreak.

And honestly, I like this version of me. I know I’ve been quiet for a bit. But I’m back now. Back with more stories. Back with a heart that’s healing. Love you guys. Talk soon. xx