mynamesearn

I just got back on a dating app. Somehow. I’m not really sure what made me do it. Maybe I was bored. Maybe I wanted to see what was out there. Or maybe I just wanted to feel something again. But the weird part is, being on there actually makes me not want to date even more than before.

I think I just think differently now. I don’t look at dating the way I used to. I can see through all the bullshit. I notice things I didn’t before. I’ve changed. And maybe people aren’t actually as attracted to me as I used to think. Or maybe I just don’t care that much anymore. Either way, I’m not using the app to fall in love right now. I’m on it because I want to meet new people, have some fun, laugh a little, and maybe have a deep conversation with someone. That’s it.

But the more I use it, the more I feel like I might delete it again. Every time I spend too long on the app, I start thinking I should just go outside and talk to someone in real life. Like, what’s the difference? It’s probably the same thing, only with more awkwardness and less filters. But at least it’s real.

I’m not trying to fuck around and find out. That’s not how I live anymore. I’ve done that. It’s exhausting. And honestly, I think dating apps kind of mess with how we see people too. We start looking at everyone like they’re replaceable. Like if this one doesn’t vibe, I’ll just swipe to the next. I don’t like that. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’ll meet someone I vibe with and it’ll just be easy. No weird feeling the next day. No confusion. Just two people chilling, eating, talking, and being themselves.

Even when I go out on dates, I still think about my ex. I know it’s not good to keep thinking about him, but I can’t help it. He’s the only one I really want to be with. No one else makes me feel what he did. But meeting new people might help distract me from that. Even if it’s temporary, it helps a bit. Just vibing. No expectations.

As much as I miss him, I know it’s not gonna happen. Not anytime soon, anyway. But I do wish we could meet again. And I think we will. Maybe when he’s 23 or 24 and I’m 28 or 29. That’s the age gap. It’s funny because I thought about that a lot when we were together. I kept wondering, am I a predator? Am I doing something wrong? I laughed about it sometimes, but deep down, I really questioned myself.

I’ve always been against big age gaps. Like when a 20-year-old girl dates a man in his 30s? That’s gross to me. So yeah, when I met him at 20 and I was 25, it messed with my head a bit. I’d overthink it a lot. But I need to stop thinking about that now. I’m not even in a relationship with him anymore. It’s not something I need to carry around.

The thing is, like I said, he’ll always be in my heart. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s true. He’s there, and I’m sure he always will be. I’ve never been more certain about anything. But since he’s not here, what am I supposed to do? Cry every time I think about him? Yeah. I’ve done that. It doesn’t change anything.

At the very least, I should use this time to practice my charm again. Rebuild my confidence. But not overdo it. When I was younger, I used to push too hard. I felt like I had to be the most confident, the most fun, the most charming. But inside, I was nervous. My hands would shake before dates. I’d feel anxious, even when I acted like I wasn’t. It was like I treated dating as a need, not a want. Like something I had to do to feel worthy.

I don’t regret those days though. Like I always say, whatever happened, happened. It’s the past. But it taught me something, and I’m thankful for that. Now that I’ve been through it, I don’t want to act the same way anymore. I already know how that story ends. I want to do things differently now.

I want to enjoy people for who they are, not what I want them to be. I want to take things slow, and at the same time, give myself the love and care I deserve. I trust myself now. I trust that I won’t fuck myself up the way I used to. But even if I do, even if I fall into something messy again, I won’t blame myself.

Because I know my story. I know where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, and how hard I’ve tried. And even if I mess up, I’ll still be there for myself. Always.