mynamesearn

So I just watched a few clips of Penn Badgley on Call Her Daddy and one line really made me pause. He said, “Is it ever casual?” And baby, that shit hit me. I’ve been spiraling in my own head about dating lately, especially now that I’m getting back into it.

I’ve been asking myself what I really want right now. And yeah, part of me wants something casual. That’s what I tell myself. That’s what I tell other people. But if we’re being honest, it’s not that simple. Because I still think about my ex. Not in a miserable, sobbing, I-can’t-move-on way. But in a real, “Damn, how the hell am I supposed to find someone like that again?” kind of way.

I know I will. I know someone new will come along. But it’s not gonna be tomorrow and it’s not gonna be easy. That connection? That chemistry? That feeling? It’s rare. And I’m not just gonna pretend it wasn’t.

So when I say I want something casual, I have to check myself. Like, what does that even mean? Because let’s talk about it. If by casual you mean going around and sleeping with people just for fun, I don’t know if that’s really ever been casual for me. I mean… putting your dick in someone’s vagina is not exactly casual in my book.

I don’t care how you spin it. That’s a whole ass bodily experience. Fluids. Energy. Soul ties if you’re into that kind of thing. And you’re telling me it’s casual?

I’m sorry, but licking someone’s ass and then acting like it’s “just chill” is comedy. It’s actually hilarious to me now. When I was younger,I would’ve said the same shit. “It’s casual.” But looking back? I don’t think it ever really was. Because I’m not built for surface-level anything. I wanna know people. I wanna understand what makes them weird and wonderful. Even strangers. That’s just who I am.

The other night, I was out alone at a bar. I ended up talking to this girl and we had such a good conversation. She said she thinks I’d be a good cook. Hope she’s right because I be winging it in the kitchen. Then this random guy walked by, stopped, and asked if I was Spanish. No idea why. But it made me think… even these random interactions matter to me. I remember them. I enjoy connecting with people, even if I never see them again.

So how could I ever call something like sex casual? Let’s be for real. I’m not saying every hook-up needs to be some deep, forever love moment. But also… I don’t think we should lie to ourselves and say it’s nothing. It’s not nothing. You can’t have someone see your nipple and then say, “Oh it’s no big deal, we’re just casual.” What do you mean “just”? You saw my whole body. We breathed the same air in the most intimate way. That ain’t casual, baby. That’s something.

And I’m not shaming anyone. If you wanna fuck on the first date, go ahead. If the date went well and the vibe is there, I say why not? Have fun, live your life, enjoy your body. I’m not against any of it. What I am saying is maybe we need to stop labeling it all as “casual” just to make it feel easier or lighter. Because for a lot of us, it’s never really been casual. Not deep down.

I think part of me used to go along with the casual talk just to avoid getting hurt. If I said it didn’t matter, maybe it wouldn’t sting when things didn’t work out. But now? I want to be real with myself. I’m trying to find that balance between the sexy, messy, fun part of me and the emotional, soft, heart-on-my-sleeve side too. I don’t want to erase my freaky self. She’s still here and she’s not going anywhere. But I also don’t want to pretend I’m not someone who feels deeply. Because I do.

And maybe I’m thinking about all this a little too much. Maybe I’m triggered. Maybe I’m healing. Who knows. But I think I’m just tired of the bullshit. Tired of pretending that sex doesn’t mean anything when it obviously does. At least to me. You don’t get to taste my soul and then act like I’m just some random. That’s the part I’m done with.

So yeah, have your fun. Date around. Sleep with who you want. Explore your body. But let’s just be honest about it. For me, it was never casual. And it never will be.