mynamesearn

I’m listening to Carmen, the new song by Joy Crookes. I always love her songs. There’s just something about them that gets me. They’re meaningful in a chill kind of way. In my opinion, her lyrics are just cool. They speak in a way that makes you feel things without needing to explain too much.

And, like I always do when I really like an artist, I looked up her birthday. She’s a Libra. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’m not getting into astrology today, even though I could go on about it. But good to know, right? 

It’s funny how when we like certain artists, it’s not just the music, right? It’s something deeper. Like we see ourselves in them, even if our lives aren’t exactly the same. I think I do that a lot. Maybe we’re not so different from each other after all, and that’s why certain songs just grab us.

Like they pull something out of us that we weren’t even planning to feel. But then again, maybe music isn’t meant to be picked apart that much. Maybe you’re just supposed to feel it. Not overthink it like I always do.

So back to the song. Carmen. I like this one especially because of what Joy said about writing it. Her caption hit me hard. She wrote:

“ I wrote this song after a bunch of my mates were all losing their shit over this one particular girl and when I met her I was a bit confused. That’s not to say that she wasn’t lovely and fit but I just found it to be a sad moment of reflection and that as a woman, particularly in my experience of being a brown woman, I felt as though I had to work harder to have the same recognition she so easily achieved. It became a song that ended up commenting on society’s standard of beauty, which is naturally pretty anti feminist and lives deeply in the male gaze. Instead of ‘bitching’ about ‘Carmen’ I decided to write a song of adoration to her, wondering how someday I might get to become as adored as she is by merely existing.

This is for the women that I really admire and care about who have been diminished because of the way they look or the way their brains work or the fact that they actually have an opinion on something and aren’t just designed within the parameters of the ‘male gaze.’ ”

And I just thought, wow. That’s real. It’s relatable in a way that doesn’t feel forced. We’ve all had a Carmen in our lives. That one girl who everyone seems to adore, just for existing. And it’s weird because sometimes you really like her, she’s not even doing anything wrong, but deep inside there’s that little whisper of, Why isn’t it that easy for me?

I’ve thought that so many times. I still do sometimes. Why does it seem like some people just get handed the soft version of life? Like everything just falls into place for them. And it’s not hate. I don’t hate them. I actually adore them in a way. But it makes you think. And sometimes, yeah, I feel jealous. But it’s not the type that wants to steal anything from them.

It’s more like damn, would be nice to have that kind of life. Just to breathe and not worry so much. To travel without counting coins. To mess up and not feel like it’s the end of the world.

Sometimes I wonder if I had more money, I’d be in a different country right now. I’d be eating street food in another city, taking photos, getting lost and not caring. I’d make stupid little mistakes and not feel like it cost me everything. I wouldn’t be so scared of wasting time or making the wrong decision.

And sometimes, I wonder, what if I looked like the girl who fits society’s beauty checklist? The kind of girl everyone calls “naturally pretty” or “just has something about her.” Would life be smoother? Would people treat me differently? Would I get in more rooms? 

But at the same time, I actually really like myself. I like that my skin stays tanned from the heat. I like the way my body looks most days, even though I still have those moments when I feel fat or insecure. Of course I do. I’m human. I have self-doubt like everyone else. But when the loud thoughts quiet down and I really listen to myself, I know I love my body. I know I love who I am.

That part of me feels strong. I don’t need other people to tell me I’m worthy as much as I used to. Validation is nice. It really is. But it’s not what holds me up anymore.

Still, this song made me feel a bit nostalgic about being a woman. About how complicated and beautiful and exhausting it is all at once. And how sometimes you still catch yourself comparing, even after all the healing and self-love work.

I still have friends who are like Carmen. Most of them are richer than me. Most of them are conventionally beautiful. They get compliments just for showing up. And yeah, they have problems too, but their problems are not the ones I’d ever have. Some of them are stuck in their own little chaos. Beautiful chaos. Drama I just don’t have time for anymore.

But I still love them. I’ve seen them grow up. I’ve grown up with them. Some of them are addicted to the high of being wanted. And I’m still addicted to weed, so like, who am I to judge?

We’re all addicted to something. Some people are chasing perfection. Some are chasing love. Some are chasing attention. Some of us are just trying to feel something at all. It’s messy. Everyone is just figuring it out in their own way. I don’t know if this post is really about Carmen anymore. But the song brought all this out of me.

So yeah, here I am. A little bit high. Feeling things. Writing it all out. Thinking about womanhood and beauty and what it means to exist in this world in the body I have. With the skin I have. With the life I’m living.

Have a good day, people xx