mynamesearn

I just watched this series on Netflix called Sirens. I didn’t expect anything, to be honest. I had just finished another show and wanted something new to fill the silence. I didn’t read the plot. I didn’t check reviews. I just hit play, thinking it was going to be some background noise. But it turned out to be one of those shows that gets under your skin in a good way. It surprised me. 

It’s not just a drama. It’s psychological.You get to see where each character comes from, what shaped them, what they’re carrying. And even though I hated some of them at first, I couldn’t help but understand them later. Like Simone. I get why she did what she did. And Michaela? I get why she acts the way she does.

I’m not saying everything they did was right, but I understood it. You can see how trauma passes from one person to another like it’s a damn curse. Like an inheritance no one asked for.

And then it made me think about deeper, darker things. Things that are hard to talk about. Pedophilia. I know that’s a heavy word. It made me sit with some thoughts I didn’t want to have. I told someone recently that I don’t think pedophiles are really attracted to the girls themselves. It’s the youth. It’s the power imbalance.

The control. The smooth skin. The wrinkle-free face. The untouched energy. They’re not in love with the girl. They’re in love with what she represents. They’re addicted to youth like it’s a drug. And maybe, deep down, they want to be that young girl because they never got to be her. Or they lost her somewhere along the way.

I’m not saying I fully understand that mindset. And I’m definitely not excusing it. But I see how it happens. Even me, I’m not old, but I’ve felt that fear. The fear of your skin not being tight like it used to be. Of aging. Of becoming invisible. But I’ve made peace with it. I actually kind of love getting older now. I feel more myself. I embrace it. Still, I understand why others can’t. And especially men. They chase youth like it’s going to save them from their own rot.

And yeah, men take advantage of young girls. That’s a fact. But let’s not lie. Some of those girls get something out of it too. Maybe it’s money. Maybe it’s attention. Maybe it’s a weird sense of safety in being chosen. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying it’s complex. They both benefit and lose something. 

But the truth is, the young girls are usually only twenty or even younger. They’re still kids themselves. And these old men? They know better. Or they should. But it feels like no one talks about it anymore. Like we just scroll past it.

And in Sirens, they showed that so clearly. Trauma finds trauma. Unhealed people attract unhealed people. You don’t even have to say it out loud. It just happens. And it’s sad. It’s exhausting. But it’s real. The show also had these funny moments though, like I’d be crying and suddenly laughing at a line. That kind of mix hits different. It’s like life. Messy. Contradictory. Beautiful and awful at the same time.

Back to pedophilia, again. I think a lot of them are stuck. Maybe they had trauma too. Maybe they never dealt with it. That doesn’t excuse anything, of course not. But it explains something. It’s like they’re frozen in time. And to feel alive again, they go after the young and innocent. It sounds insane, like something out of a vampire movie, but it’s true. They drain someone until there’s nothing left, then disappear and do it again. 

Ten years gone and on to the next. That’s what predators do. And I wish people would take it more seriously. I wish we didn’t pretend it wasn’t happening. I feel disgusted by it. But I also feel more disgusted that some people just don’t care.

I started thinking the other day, what if I die alone? Not in a sad way, but in a very real way. Because what if I marry someone and later find out they’re friends with a pedophile? And they knew all along? And didn’t say anything? That would destroy me. If I had a daughter and something like that happened around her, I don’t even know if I’d survive that kind of betrayal. It’s a scary thought, but it’s real. 

So sometimes I think maybe I’d rather just wait for someone who’s actually good. Like truly good in their heart. Even if it means I have to wait a long time. I’d rather do that than end up with someone who supports things I can’t stand. Like I’m not marrying a Trump supporter just to have someone next to me. That’s not my path.

And I’m not judging anyone who makes different choices. I get it. I get how fear and loneliness and trauma push people to settle. But I can’t do it. That’s why healing matters to me. That’s why I take it seriously. Because trauma will run your whole life if you don’t stop and face it. It shows up in your love life, in your friendships, in how you treat yourself.

I see some of my friends still playing games. Like making someone wait before texting back just to look cool. I’ve done it too. I know how it feels. But now? I don’t care. I want peace. I’m living a quiet life. I don’t talk to many people anymore. Honestly, I barely talk at all except when I write like this. It’s the only time I feel like I’m being fully myself.

Maybe I still have healing to do. Maybe I’m still working through things without realizing it. But that’s okay. I’m not scared of it. I’d rather be real about where I’m at than pretend I’ve got it all figured out. Because I don’t.

So yeah, that’s what’s on my mind today. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re having a good day. But if you’re not, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not going to die tomorrow. So why waste time thinking bad thoughts? 

If you’re going to think about something, might as well make it something that makes you feel even a tiny bit better. Because you deserve that.