mynamesearn

We’re living in a world where everyone thinks everything is about them. Every stare, every comment, every silence, it’s all taken personally. And I get it. It’s a human thing. We want to be liked. We want to be seen. We care, sometimes a little too much, about how we show up in people’s minds. But the truth is, most of the time, people aren’t even thinking about us.

I used to obsess over how I was perceived. Every word I said, every outfit I wore, every little move, I’d replay it in my head wondering if I messed up, if I embarrassed myself, if someone secretly hated me. But the thing is, most people are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you that deeply. It’s actually kind of freeing once you realize that.

But the darker side of this “everything is about me” mentality is what we’re seeing play out in the world right now. People are hurting each other. Killing each other because they feel threatened by someone else’s existence. White supremacy is a perfect example. The hatred that some people hold toward Black, Asian people, and anyone who isn’t white, it’s not power. It’s insecurity. Deep, ugly insecurity. You have to be so empty inside, so disconnected from any kind of self-worth, that someone else’s presence offends you.

They can’t stand to look inward. They don’t want to sit with their own failures, their own fears, their own loss of control. So what do they do? They point fingers. They blame other races for getting hired, for being visible, for thriving. They get mad when they lose a job or get paid less and instead of asking “What can I do differently? How can I improve?” they spiral into hate and project it outward. But the system they’re angry about? The inequality? The unfairness? That’s their own doing. They created it. They benefit from it. And now they’re mad that others are catching up. That’s the irony. That’s the mess.

I think people are angry because being “less than” bruises their ego. It’s embarrassing for them to feel like they’re not on top. And instead of facing that discomfort, they lash out. But in reality? Nobody fucking cares. Everyone’s too busy spiraling in their own heads. And maybe that’s the root of all of this: we’re trapped inside ourselves, believing every little thing is a personal attack, when really… life is just happening.

When I started to let go of the idea that everything is about me, life felt lighter. I could breathe a little more. Sometimes shit happens. You lose something. Someone ghosts you. You don’t get the thing you wanted. You mess up. That’s just life. And when it does, you can either accept it, learn, and move forward, or you can blame the whole world like most people do. If someone doesn’t like me, that’s not about me. If they misunderstand me or judge me, that’s not mine to carry. I don’t have to fix them. I don’t even have to fix myself for them. I just let it be. I really think that’s how we’re supposed to move through life. Curiously. Gently. Without holding everything so tight.

I still overthink. I still get caught up in my own head. I still wonder why did they say that? Did I do something wrong? But at the end of all the spiraling, there’s usually a quiet moment where I realize none of it matters. None of the things I’m worrying about are actually that important. Not in the long run. And in those moments, I let myself drift. I float. I give myself permission to wander and not know what’s next. Because something will happen and whatever that is, it’s meant for me. I will go through life. I will survive things. Maybe I even believe that now.

So I’m letting myself feel. I’m letting myself be here. And right now, I’m focused on fixing my financial situation, piece by piece. That’s where I’m at. Money has always been a thing. I used to feel so much shame around it, especially because I’m someone who has big dreams and creative ideas, and all of that needs funding. I’ve realized recently that my ADHD plays a role here too. I didn’t know about it until recently, but suddenly things make sense. The impulsive spending, the signing up for things without thinking, the random purchases that felt good in the moment but hit hard later.

Sometimes I can’t stop myself, but I promised I’d change. I will close my credit card soon. I had to stop the source. I want to break this cycle. I need structure that supports who I am, not one that keeps me trapped. And maybe I need to start doing some kind of business, something of my own, because I want money but I want it in a way that allows me to live, to express, to build. I’m planning to move out soon, too. Finally, I live on my own. I know, 26 might feel late to some people. A lot of folks leave home at 18. But honestly? That was their timing. If mine is 26, then so be it. I say that a lot these days. So be it.

There’s so much pressure to be on someone else’s timeline. To have your life together by a certain age. But I’ve stopped chasing that. I’m learning to move at my own pace, even if it’s slower, even if it looks different. I just want to be free. I want to let go of things I can’t control. What’s the point of holding on? You’ll live. And so will I. We’re all in this strange, chaotic, painful, beautiful thing together. And maybe we need to be a little more empathetic. Just a little. What would it hurt to be softer with each other? To give grace instead of anger? To hold space instead of judgment?

Yeah, I know. The world is a mess. There’s so much that’s wrong. But I don’t want to drown in the misery. I don’t want to live bitter. Because the world is also good. There’s softness in it. There’s light. There are kind people, laughter, unexpected joy. And I want to focus on that. That’s what I choose. That’s what I reach for.

It’s very Libra Moon of me to say all this if you know what I mean. All peace and fairness and connection. It’s kind of on brand. If you’re into astrology, you’d get it. If not, that’s okay too. Anyway, I guess that’s it for today. If you’re reading this, I hope you feel a little lighter. I hope whatever you’re carrying feels a little less heavy. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. We’re all just trying to figure it out. One piece at a time.