mynamesearn

Someone asked me recently, “What’s your type?” and I went completely blank. I said I don’t really have a type, which is true, but also not really. I think we all have some sort of type, or at least a pattern. Whether it’s in romantic relationships or friendships, there’s always something familiar in the people we gravitate toward. Something about their energy, their presence, their kindness, or maybe even their chaos.

But when I answered that question, I told them I’m not into the whole bad boy thing. I’m kind of into nice people. I mean, sure, when I was younger, like teenage-young, the bad boy phase was real. I had that phase, too. But experiences with those kinds of people taught me a lot. And now? I’m way more into people who actually like me. That’s my type. Simple, right?

But then again, what even is “bad” or “nice”? Those words are so subjective. One person might say, “Oh he smokes, so he’s a bad boy.” Meanwhile, I don’t care about that at all. A cigarette doesn’t make someone bad. It just… is. So does that mean I’m into bad boys because I don’t mind if someone smokes? Or does it mean I’m into nice guys because I want someone who treats me well? See how weird and blurry that line is?

For me, “nice” isn’t about saying sweet things or being soft all the time. It’s about emotional maturity. It’s about someone who knows when to show up, when to shut up, and when to just be there. That kind of “nice” feels safe. And I like safe now. My nervous system likes safe.

I mean, I get it, the whole bad boy thing is kinda hot. There’s something about the danger, the chaos, the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that’s weirdly attractive. I’ve been into that. I’m still kinda into that. It’s risky, it’s exciting, it makes your heart race in that dramatic way.

But at the same time, I also want peace. I want stability. I don’t want to be in a constant emotional rollercoaster just to feel something. That used to be fun when I was younger, but now it’s just exhausting. I don’t want to confuse anxiety with chemistry anymore. I don’t want to romanticize the people who hurt me just because the highs felt high. 

These days, I think what’s really attractive is someone who’s not chaos. Someone who’s steady. Someone who knows how to regulate their emotions and doesn’t make me question my worth just to keep things interesting.

It also takes courage to be genuinely kind. To be a good person. I don’t even want to say “nice guy” because that label is so overused and misunderstood, no matter what gender, being kind can take guts. And yeah, being a bad person isn’t exactly easy either. It’s just… a different kind of hard.

Right now, I just want to be around people who are genuinely nice. Full stop. People who are themselves. And when I go out, even if it’s on a date or with someone new, I’m not thinking too hard. I just feel the vibe and let things be. If I like them, I let them know. But I also know deep down I’m in an era of becoming my better self. And I don’t think a relationship is part of that process right now.

When I remember that, I stop overthinking. I just enjoy the moment. Let the magic be what it is. And even if it doesn’t last, it still means something to me. Always.

I’ve said this before that people don’t really care about each other that much. But maybe they do. I think I remember almost everyone who’s ever been in my life, even the ones who aren’t anymore. Except for the ones I don’t remember, obviously, haha. My memory is getting kind of bad these days.

But what I’m trying to say is: I like to connect with people with zero expectations. Not in the “I don’t care” kind of way, but more like, I don’t want to expect people to be something they’re not, and I don’t want them expecting that from me either. I’m learning to let go of the idea I have of people in my head and focus on what’s actually happening right now, in this moment.

Back to that question, what’s my type? My friends probably know better than I do. If you really asked me, maybe I’d say: people with a different eye color than mine. But really, I’d just say, nice people. People who are real with themselves and know what they want in life.

I always say I’m not a “relationship person,” but maybe I am in my own way. Even if things didn’t last long, I’ve had these intense encounters with people that still mean something to me. And that counts, too. Maybe those people don’t even remember my name, but I do. I remember the feeling. And I think that’s enough.

I guess I am a person who loves love. I cry when I see beautiful people like literally, my eyes tear up. So maybe I don’t mind being single, as long as I can keep witnessing love in the world. Romantic, platonic, all of it. I love seeing people find their person even if it’s just for a while. We don’t talk enough about platonic love, either. The people who’ve been with me through my worst and best, those are my people. I love them deeply. I try to tell them as much as I can.

Even though I’m not out here actively looking for a romantic relationship, I won’t lie, I miss intimacy. I miss being held, touched, adored. All the lovey-dovey stuff. I’m into that. I want it. I just haven’t had it in a while. Okay, maybe a little like holding hands here and there but still. I didn’t expect to become this person, but here I am.

Surprisingly, it’s been easier than I thought. I actually enjoy this era of my life, most of the time. There’s peace in it. But then I’ll see people all cuddled up, kissing in public, and suddenly I’m like… damn. I want that too. I guess I’m not a superwoman after all. I still crave love. And maybe that’s the most human thing about me.

Right now, it’s less about romance and more about celibacy by choice, for now. But let’s be real: I miss the sexual part too. I’m a girl with a high sex drive and ADHD. I could blame the ADHD, but truthfully? Sometimes I just need some d*ck. Sorry, not sorry.

It’s weird being in this space where I want it — like, deeply crave intimacy and sex — but I’m also consciously choosing not to entertain anything half-assed. Like yes, I want someone in my bed, but not if they’re gonna leave crumbs in my heart. So I stay celibate. Not because I don’t want it. But because I want more than just that.

And if you’re a girl, you know the ovulating phase is so real. That’s where I’m at. When nature decides it’s time? It’s time. The craving hits hard. I know I’m probably oversharing right now, but whatever, this is what I’m venting today. Honest, raw, and slightly unhinged. Just how I like it.