mynamesearn

Hi. I’m back. After a few weeks of being out and about, socializing more than usual, I woke up late today with this weird craving. Not for food, not for coffee, but for intimacy. Like, hand-holding kind of intimacy. Deep conversation. Eye contact. Sex too, obviously (hello?), but not just that. It’s about the connection. The emotional coziness. The closeness. 

That said, yes, I also just want to get fucked. Let’s not lie to ourselves. But I’m on my period. So now all this tenderness and yearning might just be hormonal chaos. Still real, though. It’s funny because I actually love being single. Most days I’m thriving in my little bubble, working on myself, dancing in my room, being dramatic about nothing. But then there are those days. The days when my body and soul are like, “Can someone please just rail me and tell me I’m special right now???”

I was talking to my friends about this, and we ended up on a whole tangent about how being a woman already makes you stronger than most men. Periods alone? Insane. Some girls get them at nine years old. Nine. Imagine walking around with a Barbie backpack and a whole bleeding uterus. Having to remember pads, tampons, extra underwear. And if you forget and bleed through your pants? People act like you’ve committed a crime instead of just being a literal human with a functioning body. It’s wild.

And don’t even get me started on the cycle. Every month we go through this transformation. Hormones rising, crashing, spiraling. We cry, we crave, we break out, we bleed, and still we show up to school, to work,  to family functions, to everything. We manage our moods like unpaid therapists while our uterus is basically throwing a tantrum in our body. And yet, we’re called too emotional?

Meanwhile, men don’t even have a monthly hormone cycle and still manage to commit the majority of crimes and start wars. Imagine if they had to bleed for five days straight every month. The world would literally collapse. So no, we’re not crazy. We’re cycling. We’re processing. We’re syncing with the moon, bleeding through our favorite underwear, and still showing up with empathy and patience in relationships where we often don’t get the same in return. Women are built different. Period.

Anyway, back to the intimacy thing. I’ve always been someone who craves closeness. When I like someone, I get attached attached. Clingy. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to detach. Like, detach detach. Now I’m so good at it I sometimes forget I’m actually a hopeless romantic at my core.

And honestly? I think that feeling, the one that wants to hold someone’s hand, share silence, kiss between sentences, that’s just part of who I am. Right now, I’m not really dating anyone. I’m not talking to anyone in that way. But I do have people I talk to. Some of them are guys I’ve slept with before. And it’s weird because sometimes you think it might go somewhere, but then it doesn’t.

And somehow, instead of turning bitter or awkward, it just becomes something else. Like, okay, we’re not gonna be a couple but we can be friends. And once I see you as a friend, that sexual tension kinda disappears for me. Like my body just shuts that part off. The intimacy fades, but the friendship sticks. If that makes any sense at all.

These days, I’m not really dating dating. It’s more like I’m just open. Open to meeting people, open to whatever kind of connection wants to show up. I don’t rush into anything anymore. Even when someone feels special, I’ve learned to remind myself that what’s meant for me won’t miss me. I know some people think that mindset is a cop-out, like it’s just an excuse to avoid putting yourself out there. 

But I don’t see it that way. I am putting in work. I invest in myself. I ask the hard questions. I look at my patterns. I sit with my shit. And honestly, I think trying to work on your own shit is one of the bravest things a person can do. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. That is doing something. You put effort into your healing, your growth, your energy and to me, that’s the most powerful way to attract someone who actually matches you.

Of course, if you’re dating someone or starting to really care, you do have to show up for them too. You make effort. You communicate. You care. But to attract love in the first place? I don’t think you have to try so hard. If you’re bending yourself into shapes just to be chosen, what’s even fun about that? Love should feel easy at the start. Playful. Magnetic. A little mysterious. Something that meets you, not something you have to chase down like a job interview.

I believe love shows up when you’ve stopped begging for it. When you’re just being the person you want to be and living your life fully. Love can’t be forced. It’s the one thing you have to let happen. And I want to be able to relax into it, you know? Not overthink it. Just let it meet me where I am. when you’re grounded enough to not need validation to survive, the right love finds you. And if love doesn’t make you feel more whole, more you, then what’s the point?

Of course, I understand people who want relationships because they’re lonely. But that can’t be the reason to stay. You should be with someone because they’re your person. They just fit. You know? At the end of the day, I’m still that hopeless romantic girl. Even after all the detachment practice and self-work and spiritual independence, I’m still that girl who wants love to feel real and electric at the same time. I don’t think that makes me weak or naive. I think it makes me alive.

And I’ve made peace with that. With all of it. The craving. The confusion. The contradictions. I’m okay with wanting real connection while also enjoying being alone. I’m okay with being intense and chill, open and guarded, clingy and distant, all at once. Because that’s just me. 

We’re all wired a little differently. We all believe in different things when it comes to love, dating, sex, commitment, soulmates. And I think we’re supposed to. That’s how we find our people. Romantically, platonically, energetically. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. You just need to be recognized by the right ones.

But I want you to keep in mind, all this love I’m talking about, it’s just mine. My version. Not yours. And that’s the point. I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way to love, or a good or bad kind of relationship. What I’m saying is: you will find your person in whatever way makes sense for you. In love, in friendship, in art, in work, in life. They’ll just click. And when they do, it’ll feel like home even if it looks nothing like anyone else’s.

It feels so good to be back writing again. My brain went a little numb there for a while, like I had too many feelings and no words for them. But this, getting it all out, this brings me back to myself. And hell yeah, we are so, so back.