mynamesearn

I was watching Thunderbolts*, and there’s this one line in the movie: “We’re all alone. All of us.” It’s not even meant to be that deep, but in that moment, I was like, yeah, that’s true. We are born alone and we will die alone too. But for me, that’s not sad at all. That’s actually freeing. If we’re all alone, that means we’re free to be whatever we want, choose whatever we want, love whoever we want. Because at the end of the day, when I’m in my grave, it’s gonna be just me, exactly how it was the first day I came into this world.

And I know that sounds heavy, but for me, it’s not. “Alone” has never been a negative word. To me, “alone” means independent. It means self-reliant. It means free. And not everyone has that. I even searched the definition of “alone” just to see what came up. It said: by oneself or without others present, without help or support. Then lonely, isolated. 

But there’s also another meaning: unique, only one of its kind. And that’s the one I grab onto. If being alone means I’m one of a kind, then I’ll take that as a compliment. Why do we always make words heavier and sadder than they have to be? Why not flip it and make it fun?

When I say, “I know I’ll die alone,” people ask, “Are you okay?” But I don’t mean it tragically. I mean it as a fact. At the end of my time, it’ll be me, just me. And that’s why I have to love myself so much. Because at the end of the day, I’ll always have me. That should be enough. I don’t want to depend on someone else to carry me through life. If I’m gonna be with me forever, then me and myself better be best friends, not enemies.

And maybe that’s why I’ve always been this way. I grew up an only child. I played alone, talked alone, and entertained myself. Back then, I thought I wanted someone around all the time, but looking back now, maybe I liked being alone more than I admitted. Alone time has always been part of me. Maybe I didn’t even realize it then.

For me, alone is freedom. Because if I know I’m always gonna have myself at the end of the day, then that makes me fearless about choosing. I don’t need to cling to people out of fear. That’s the beauty of being comfortable alone: you don’t need people, you choose them. You don’t stay with someone because you’re scared of being lonely, you stay because you actually want them. And that makes love, friendship, and relationships so much more beautiful.

And I also think alone is where you create. Alone is when you actually hear yourself. It’s when you build your personality, your opinions, your art. It’s when you glow the most because you’re not performing for anyone, you’re just with yourself. And that’s how it should be, you should shine for yourself first. If you can’t enjoy your own company, you’ll always feel like you’re missing something. Being alone should be your safe place.

Of course, it takes courage to be alone. Alone time can drive people crazy. Just think about quarantine, how many people struggled being stuck with themselves? Not everyone survived that mentally. That’s why I think “alone” is actually a strong word. It’s resilience. It’s not always easy, but when you can handle yourself, it’s powerful.

And of course, I know “alone” can be a bad word too, but just like everything else, it has two sides. And of course, I don’t literally mean I’ll die alone, like nobody will be there. What I mean is that at the end of the day, you are your own person. If that makes sense. You should feel free because you know you are alone at the end, and that means other people’s opinions don’t matter. It’s your opinion that matters. That’s your freedom. The freedom to choose. I know everyone has different circumstances, but just keep this in your mind. Maybe one day it’ll just click. And when it does, it feels lighter.

And being alone doesn’t mean you stop overthinking. Especially if you’re the obsessive or creative type, your brain can eat you alive. That’s why you need an outlet. Just one thing where you can throw all that energy. For me, it’s writing. I stuck with that. For you, it might be drawing, crocheting, making music, whatever. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s something that makes you focus, reflect, and keep your sanity when it’s just you. Because spending time alone isn’t about being empty, it’s about filling yourself up in your own way.

And sometimes I even think about the future. Aging, dying alone. And instead of it scaring me, it pushes me. If the last face I ever see is mine, then I better love the hell out of myself. If I’m gonna die alone, then I want to live in a way where I was always enough for me. That’s not a sad story, that’s a strong one.

So yeah, back to that line: “We’re all alone. All of us.” I believe that. But I don’t see it as bad. I see it as a balance. Everything in life has two sides, and alone is no different. Too much can hurt, not enough can hurt, but the right amount makes you whole.

And honestly? I need more words for this. I feel like every time I write, I want a bigger vocabulary to match the size of the feelings in my head. I need to read more books. So if anyone has any good recommendations, send them my way.

Alone isn’t a bad word. Alone is strength. Alone is freedom. Alone is where you create yourself. Alone is when you realize you’ve been your best friend all along.