mynamesearn

Yeah, I know I’m lovable. I know that. But even knowing that, I still have doubts sometimes. I still get that thought in my head that if people really, really know me, they’ll eventually leave. These days those thoughts feel blurry, like they don’t fully have power over me anymore, but they still come back from time to time. And yes, even me. Crazy, right?

I think the difference now is that I actually know who I am. When you’re younger, those bad thoughts take up most of the space. It’s like 70/30. Seventy percent doubt, thirty percent confidence. But now that I’m older, it feels flipped. It’s more like 30/70. The bad thoughts still show up, but they don’t stay long. They come, they say their piece, and then they leave. And I don’t hold onto them anymore.

Because honestly, what am I supposed to do with those thoughts? Beat myself up? Ruin my whole day? Spiral for hours over something I already know isn’t true? I don’t want to live like that anymore. So I let the thought happen and then I move on. I don’t argue with it. I just let it pass.

At the end of the day, I know I’m lovable. Even on the days where my brain tries to convince me otherwise. Of course, sometimes I still think, “Nobody is ever really going to love me.” But then I stop and I’m like… what do you mean? People do love me. I have friends who choose me. I have people who stay. I’m actually pretty fun to be around.

And I’m grateful for that shit. I’m grateful that my thought process now usually ends with me knowing I’m lovable and not the piece of shit I once thought I was. Even on the most confident days of my life, I can still remember bad things that happened to me. I can still get random flashbacks. But now, instead of letting them drag me down, I laugh. I acknowledge them. And then I carry on with my life.

I think that’s so human. To have those little flashes of the past pop up just to remind you that you went through all of that and still became the happiest, funniest version of yourself. Call me cheesy if you want, but I really think these small moments are the most important ones for our bigger future.

Sometimes you’re just in the middle of a random conversation with your friends, and something they say hits you. They say something that makes you realize they really know you. Like, who you actually are. And they love you for that. Not the version you perform, not the version you think you should be, but the real you. And I don’t know… that’s nice, isn’t it?

Sometimes you’re just being yourself, not trying to be anything special, and someone notices your kindness. They tell you how they see you, and it surprises you because you weren’t even thinking about it. Those moments stay with me. Those are the moments I remember when the bad thoughts come back.

They remind me that maybe I’m nicer than I think. And most of the time, I actually am. That’s why you need those little moments. They ground you. They save you. They remind you who you really are when your brain tries to lie to you.

And honestly, that’s enough.