mynamesearn

It’s Christmas Day. I feel frisky and I want to write. Yeah, you heard that right. I feel frisky. And doesn’t it feel more intense when I’m ovulating too? The moon is also in Pisces today, so of course I’m feeling a little sentimental and nostalgic on top of everything.

Today I’m at home with my cat because my mom went to church. Honestly, I’ve been emotional and sentimental even before today. I think it’s because the year is almost ending and so many things have changed, mostly in good ways. I’m not even sure what I’m going to write, but let’s just go with the flow. I have a lot in my head anyway.

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. I also had a very weird dream recently. I dreamt that my ex, the one who cheated on me, was gay. Like in bed with another man. Which is wild. What if I’m right? Kidding. But also our brains do shit like this all the time, and it’s kind of funny when you think about it.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I’ve been thinking about love, family, all that stuff. I still don’t want to have kids. Not because I hate kids, I actually love them. But sometimes my brain goes, what if my husband turns out to be a piece of shit and starts beating me up? I don’t know. These are just thoughts that come into my head. I do think I’d be pretty good at raising a kid, but at the same time, I think having kids is one of the most selfish things you can do. And I don’t even mean that in a bad way.

There’s nothing wrong with having kids. We’re human, I get it. Even I sometimes think, maybe I could have one. But it should be optional. A choice. Not a life goal everyone has to follow. I don’t think having kids should automatically mean you’ve “made it” in life. That’s just me speaking. But who knows? Maybe if I end up with the best husband ever and we decide to do the most selfish thing together, anything could happen. The future is weird like that.

Before the year ends, I just feel really grateful. For everything. I genuinely feel like something good is coming for me next year. Something really good. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it. I’ve always had this thought in my head that everything I want will happen eventually. There’s no “no” in my brain. Of course, if that mindset worked instantly, I’d be rich already. But maybe one day. Who knows?

It’s fun for me to believe good things are coming. I don’t think I’m a bad person, so good things should happen to me, right? I’ve been thinking like this a lot this year, and honestly, it already manifested into good things. That’s why I’m excited for next year.

I feel lighter overall. I enjoy the small things in my daily life now. And to be fair, I don’t think I could ever be with someone who doesn’t enjoy small things. Like what do you mean you’re not happy when it’s Christmas and the chat wallpaper turns into little snow? What do you mean you don’t enjoy seeing people in love, wrapped up in their own little bubble?

What are you enjoying then? Suffering? Proving something? Because that’s not why we’re here.

I also feel really magnetic lately. Everything just feels… nice. And this year I’ve started accepting the fact that maybe I’m actually nice, like people keep telling me. And not “nice but—” but what? Just accept the goddamn compliment. So I’ve been doing that. A little awkwardly at first, but now I’m learning to just say thank you and move on.

That’s also made me feel lighter about love and dating. I let things flow now. I’m just myself. I stopped following some imaginary rulebook. I used to overthink everything when texting someone I liked. Like, what if he thinks I’m clingy? What if I text too much? But now I’m like… what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with letting someone know you like them? 

These days, everyone’s trying so hard to be cool and detached. Don’t text back too fast. Don’t show too much interest. Don’t act like you care. But what if I do care? What if I like you and want you to know?

Sure, sometimes those old thoughts still sneak in. But at the end of the day, I’d rather tell someone I had a good time than pretend I didn’t. And if someone gets the ick just because I texted first, then he’s probably not my person anyway.

We live like someone’s holding a gun to our head, when they’re really not. We don’t owe anyone this performance. As I get older, I realise that if someone gives you the ick, maybe you’re just not that into them. And that’s it.

When you’re young, you think you have a “type.” But half the time, it’s not even your type. It’s just what society told you to like. Now I realise I can like whoever I want. I can do whatever I want. And sometimes it’s not that you texting first made him lose interest. He just wasn’t into you to begin with. And that’s actually great to know early.

Then you can move on and find someone you don’t have to perform for. Someone you don’t have to calculate every move around. Someone you can just be yourself with.

People love to tell me, “Love isn’t that simple.” Maybe not for you. But for me, it is. We make love way too complicated. Love should feel easy. And I’m not naive. Of course there will be things to work through. But if you love each other, you talk. You adapt. You figure it out.

I need love to be easy. I need that in my life.

And yeah, I’ll probably be obsessed with whoever I end up with. But in a good way. Not “why aren’t you texting me back” obsessed. More like “why are you so hot and why do I want to spend the whole day with you” obsessed.

I don’t worry anymore about whether someone will like me back. Maybe they won’t. But at least I said what I felt. And if it goes nowhere, that’s not my fault. It’s not his fault either. We’re all just trying to find our person. So why not make it easier for each other?

Maybe all of this is just who I am. My only real purpose in life is to make people laugh and enjoy the little things.

So honestly?
I think I already reached my goal.