mynamesearn

My heart sometimes has a hole in it. I know that sounds like such a sad thing to say. It almost sounds dramatic when you say it out loud. But I am sad sometimes, just like everybody else. 

And honestly, I don’t think it’s bad to feel sad sometimes. In a weird way, sadness reminds me that life is not always going to be perfect or happy all the time. And maybe that’s a good thing to remember.

Because if life were always good, always smooth, always happy, we probably wouldn’t appreciate it as much. We probably wouldn’t notice the little beautiful moments the same way we do now. 

Sadness kind of sharpens your perspective. It reminds you that being alive means feeling everything, the good, the confusing, the painful, the peaceful, all of it.

Yeah, I do get sad from time to time. But I’m also very happy too. I feel both things very deeply. I laugh hard. I cry hard. I think deeply. I care deeply. 

So I don’t know, I just think all these emotions we feel will not last forever. Happiness doesn’t last forever. Sadness doesn’t last forever either.

They come and go like waves. Sometimes they hit harder than you expect. But eventually they pass. And I trust myself enough now to know when it’s time to let go of them.

I think we are trying so hard to not feel sad. And yeah, I get it, who would want that, right? Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking, I hope I feel miserable today. Of course, we all want to avoid sadness. 

But the problem is that we are never really taught how to sit with it. We are taught how to escape it. How to postpone it. How to distract ourselves from it. How to numb it with work, with drinking, with pretending everything is fine.

And I know it might sound like I’m saying we should all just sit around being sad and suffering, but that’s not what I’m saying at all. 

I’m just saying that sometimes when sadness shows up, maybe the healthiest thing to do is not run away immediately. Maybe it’s just to acknowledge it for a moment and understand why it’s there.

Because honestly, some of the pain I’ve gone through did make me a better person. Not because I deserved it, some of it I definitely did not deserve, but because going through it taught me something. 

It taught me how it feels to be hurt, to be misunderstood, to feel small, to feel broken for a little while. And once you know that feeling, you start realizing something very simple.

You don’t want to be the person who makes someone else feel that way. (And that, my friends, is called empathy.)

Sometimes pain is just life’s very dramatic way of teaching you how to care about people.

I think at the age of almost 27, you start to understand that more. You start realizing that emotions are temporary. They show up, they teach you something, and then they leave.

And if you let them stay too long, sometimes that’s when they start turning into something heavier than they were meant to be.

But of course, when I was younger, I wanted to numb that pain. Because it hurts so bad when it happens the first few times.

When you experience heartbreak or disappointment for the first time, it feels like the end of the world. It feels like your whole chest is collapsing, and you can’t breathe normally anymore.

Back then, everything felt bigger than it actually was. Every heartbreak felt permanent. Every rejection felt personal. Every sadness felt like it would never leave.

And when you’re young, nobody really tells you that those feelings eventually pass. You just sit there thinking you’re the only person in the world who has ever felt that pain.

But eventually, all that pain kind of makes you stronger.

And I really don’t want to say that because it’s fucking cheesy. Everyone says that. “Pain makes you stronger.”

But unfortunately… I do think it’s true. I think it built me.

It shaped parts of me that wouldn’t exist without those moments. My patience, my resilience, the way I see people, the way I see myself. Some of those parts only exist because I had to survive things that hurt.

When you are young, pain feels enormous. It feels like this huge thing that takes up all the space in your heart.

And you don’t know how to deal with it. Nobody teaches you how. You just sit there drowning in your feelings and hoping tomorrow will feel less heavy.

You don’t have the experience yet to know that pain has an ending. So you assume it will last forever. But eventually you learn from all of that.

Eventually you notice patterns. You realize that every time you thought you wouldn’t survive something… you did. Every time you thought the sadness would swallow you whole… it didn’t.

And now I know I’m not that sad little girl anymore. I know I survived those things already.

But like I said… my heart sometimes still has a hole in it.

It’s like your heart is functioning. Everything still works. You’re still living your life. You’re still laughing, still working, still seeing friends, still enjoying the little things.

But you can feel that it could be working a little better.

It feels like something scratched the surface and left a small opening there. It’s not like my heart is going to stop beating or anything.

I’m breathing. I’m fine. But I’m breathing a little differently.

And sometimes you can feel that difference in quiet moments. In the middle of the night.

When you’re walking somewhere alone. When you’re thinking about something that happened earlier in the day.

But the difference now is that I know the hole will close eventually.

I know I will be fine. That certainty changes everything.

So this time, instead of running away from the feeling or trying to numb it, I’m acknowledging it. I’m sitting with it for a while.

And honestly, I think that’s healthy. Because now I know I will make it through. Before, when I was younger, I wasn’t sure I would.

Actually writing this is making me feel a little better already. That’s the funny thing about writing.

Sometimes, once you sit with your pain and start asking yourself the hard questions, things slowly become clearer.

Writing forces you to face your thoughts instead of running from them. Eventually you remember who you are.

And because now I love myself so much, I don’t see a point where I don’t make it through whatever I’m going through.

I know myself too well now.

And also… when I remember who I am I realize something very important.

I’m hot.

And hot people will not suffer for that long.

And yes, that sounds ridiculous but that’s actually true in my world.

But when I remind myself of that, things kind of lift up. Suddenly the sadness feels less dramatic. It’s like my brain goes, “Okay, enough of this, you’ll be fine.”

My best days are a lot more frequent than my sad ones. That’s why you don’t really see me sad very often anymore. 

I remember one of my friends once asked me, “What could possibly bring you down? What could make you overthink that much?”

And then another one of my friends immediately answered for me, “She’s pretending. She actually overthinks a lot.”

And I was just laughing because both of them were right at the same time.

I do overthink. A lot. But the reason I look so chill now is that I already did the overthinking in my head a million times before anyone else even noticed.

I analyze everything internally. Every possible outcome. Every possible scenario. Every possible disaster. My brain will play every movie before the real one even starts.

And then eventually I realize that most of the things I was overthinking… were just in my head.

Once I reach that point, I can move on.

But because I already processed everything privately before anyone sees it, it looks like I’m just naturally calm.

Also, I think part of it is that I don’t really want to show how vulnerable I can be unless you are very close to me. If you are not close to me, it’s actually quite hard for you to see that side of me.

Some people don’t even realize that side exists in me. Even I sometimes forget that I’m allowed to feel sad too.

Because somehow I became the “happy one.” The bubbly one. The one who makes jokes and laughs and keeps the mood light.

So, sometimes I forget that I’m still human. But yeah, I do have sadness. I do have overthinking.

And honestly, accepting that my heart sometimes has a hole in it feels very brave to me.

Because it reminds me that I am still that kid inside. The one who feels things deeply. Just as a reminder.

A reminder that we are human. And feeling sad is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it sometimes.

I know some pain feels impossible to ignore. Some feelings sit in your chest and refuse to leave for a while. But trust me. You won’t die from it.

And I told my friend once that every time my heart gets a hole in it, and then I eventually come out of it… I come out so much hotter than before.

Maybe it’s just part of the life upgrading process.

And honestly… I’m starting to trust that process.