mynamesearn

Let’s talk about something real. If you’ve read my blogs before, you probably already know that writing is my way of sorting through the mess in my head. Sometimes, it turns into something deeper, like a song. And that’s exactly what happened here.

This wasn’t planned, wasn’t even thought out. It just came out one random Wednesday at 1:09 PM when I was hit with a wave of emotions, confusion, anxiety, and maybe just a little bit of that pre-PMS mood (we all know how that goes). My notes app once again became my therapist, and what came out was raw, real, and completely unfiltered. So here I am, sharing it with you.

Ever had those moments when your mind just won’t stop? You replay every word, every look, every little thing that happened, questioning everything, your actions, their actions, even how you see yourself. And then that thought creeps in, “Am I the problem? Or is this just life being… life?”

That’s when this song came to life. It wasn’t some carefully thought-out piece, it was just me trying to make sense of the chaos in my head. And now, I’m sharing it because maybe, just maybe, you’ve felt this way too. And I want you to know you’re not alone.

What if I just don’t give a fuck
Would I finally be happy?
What if I just love myself instead
Does that make me the worst person?
What if I let you go
Would we be happier,
Or did I just do it for me?

This part of the song is where I find myself caught between two feelings, one that just wants to shut everything out and not care anymore, and another that’s trying to protect myself from getting hurt. It’s that constant question I can’t shake: if I stopped caring about everyone else, if I put myself first for once, would that make me a selfish person? Or would it finally bring me the peace I’ve been craving, the kind of peace that feels like it’s been missing for so long? It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is. 

Letting go of someone always feels like a gamble. If I walk away, is it because I’m protecting them from myself, or am I just protecting myself from the hurt? Was it for them? Was it for me? Or maybe, just maybe, it was a little bit of both. These questions swirl around in my head, each one getting louder and more overwhelming than the last, until I can’t ignore them anymore.

And that’s when I had to write them down. I needed to make sense of it all, even if the answers weren’t clear yet. Because sometimes, putting your feelings into words is the only way to quiet the noise inside your head. Maybe it won’t give me all the answers, but it helps me breathe for a minute and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get a little closer to understanding where my heart really stands.

I can’t stop thinking the worst.
Do I even deserve this?
Maybe I’m just too scared of good things
Because who the hell am I?

Here comes the part where my mind starts running wild. Doubt starts to sneak in, and before I know it, I’m questioning everything: Am I even good enough? Do I really deserve the happiness that’s in front of me? Can I handle things going well, or am I just setting myself up for disappointment? It’s that voice in your head, the one that tells you you’re not worthy, that peace and calm aren’t meant for you. That maybe you don’t deserve the good things that might come your way, no matter how much you want them.

I guess I’ve gotten so used to the chaos, the drama, the ups and downs, that the idea of things just being… fine feels wrong. It feels too simple, too easy. Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something to mess it all up because, for so long, that’s all I’ve known.

The noise, the unpredictability, it’s what I’ve learned to expect. So when things seem calm, when everything’s just… okay, that’s when the doubts hit the hardest. I start thinking maybe I’m not made for this kind of peace, that I might not even know how to hold on to it.

And here it is, the moment when I have to admit it. I’m scared. I’m scared of the silence, of everything being too perfect because that makes me wonder: what if I don’t know how to handle it? What if I mess it up because I don’t believe I’m worthy of it? That’s the doubt speaking, and it’s hard to ignore. But it’s there, loud and clear, and for once, I’m saying it out loud.

What if I let you go?
Would it make everything worse?
But what if I’m not ready for us?
Would you hate me for it?
Would you talk about me,
When I’m not around?

This is the part where everything starts to feel messy. Relationships are never simple, and this is the moment when I’m feeling that fear of being misunderstood. If I let you go, if I walk away from what we have because I’m not ready, does that make me a bad person? I don’t want to hurt you, but what if we end up resenting each other

What if this whole thing just ends up being something that’s better off in the past? That’s not what I want at all, but the thought keeps creeping in, what if I’m making the wrong choice? What if you end up hating me for it?

I keep thinking, what if I’m the one who messes everything up? If we keep going like this, what if I end up ruining everything good between us? That’s the kind of fear that sticks with me, the kind that makes me question everything. It’s like I’m always wondering if I’m enough. What if someone really gets to know me and realizes I’m not who they thought I was? What if I can’t live up to their expectations or what they need from me?

It’s that voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. That maybe I’m too much or not enough at the same time. And the thought of being judged, of someone looking at me and seeing all my flaws and deciding it’s too much for them, that’s the part that really gets to me.

I hate the idea of someone seeing all my imperfections and thinking they’re not worth it. So yeah, I get scared. I get scared that if I really let someone in, they might see things I don’t want them to. But it’s hard to know if it’s just fear talking, or if this is really how things are.

Maybe this isn’t supposed to work,
At least not in my world.
You’re too perfect,
And maybe I just don’t want it to feel real.
So I’ll keep this,
Locked in my mind forever.

This is the part where I start to close myself off. Sometimes, it feels easier to keep everything inside, to keep it all perfect and untouched, than to let it out and risk it falling apart. If I keep it in my head, at least it stays safe. I don’t have to worry about it getting ruined, misunderstood, or over-exposed.

It’s not the way things should be, I know that. It’s not fair, especially to the people who might deserve more from me. But that’s the reality of it. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, or maybe I wasn’t ready for the responsibility of something good, something real. Something that could mean a lot.

So, I lock it away in my mind, where it’s safe from the world. At least it feels safer that way. Because what if I love them too much? What if I end up caring more than I should, and it turns into something I can’t handle? What if I put everything out there, only to have them hate me for it later? I don’t think I could live with that. It’s the fear of being too much, of loving too deeply, and then losing it all. The thought of them hating me for being who I am, for feeling too strongly, it scares me.

But maybe that’s just the thing about love, isn’t it? It’s messy, unpredictable, and you can never really know where it’s going to take you. Sometimes, it just happens, and you don’t have control over how it goes. I keep thinking about all the “what ifs” and wondering if it’s worth the risk. What if I let myself feel all this and it doesn’t work out? What if I put my heart out there and it ends up being the thing that breaks me? That’s when I start to pull back, to lock it all away, to keep it safe in a place where no one can touch it, where it can’t get ruined.

But maybe, just maybe, that’s the thing about love, it’s never really in our control. It just happens, for better or worse, and maybe all we can do is hold on and hope it’s enough. Even if we don’t know how it’s going to turn out.

It’s Okay to Not Have It All Figured Out

So here I am, tangled in these emotions. I keep asking myself if this feeling is normal, if everyone else feels this way too. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. But I’ve learned something important in all this chaos: it’s okay to not have all the answers.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it all out, or if I’ll ever stop questioning my worth, my choices, or my ability to love without holding back. But I’m learning to embrace the messiness. The fear. The doubt. Because, at the end of the day, it’s part of being human.

We all have those moments when we wonder if we’re doing the right thing, if we’re enough for the people in our lives, or if we’re just a little too broken to love. And that’s okay. Maybe love isn’t about having all the answers, maybe it’s about accepting that sometimes, we won’t have them. It’s about feeling deeply, even when it’s terrifying. Even when it’s easier to shut it all out and lock it away, hoping it won’t hurt as much if we don’t confront it.

But the truth is, love isn’t perfect. It’s messy, and sometimes it’s a gamble. There’s no guarantee it won’t hurt. There’s no promise it’ll go the way we want it to. But maybe that’s what makes it so beautiful. The risk. The uncertainty. The rawness. If we let ourselves feel it all, let ourselves truly experience the highs and lows, then maybe that’s what we’re meant to do. Maybe it’s not about avoiding the pain, but about letting ourselves learn from it.

I’m still figuring it out, still wondering if I’m strong enough to face it all. But one thing I do know is that I’m not alone. We’re all trying to make sense of our feelings, of love, of doubt. So if you’re reading this and feeling the same things I am, confused, scared, or uncertain, just know that you’re not alone. We’re all in this together. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough to get us through.

Because, at the end of it all, I’ve learned that sometimes the best thing we can do is let go of the need to have control. Let go of the pressure to have everything figured out. Just live in the moment, feel the feelings, and trust that whatever happens, we’ll find our way. One step at a time.