mynamesearn

I miss writing. I miss doing this so much. I’ve been away for a few weeks now. I had surgery recently, so I’ve been resting. And thinking. A lot.

I’ve also been binge-watching Cold Case on Prime Video. Like I told you before, crime stories and I are strangely intertwined. I’ve always been fascinated by them. Maybe too much, because now I can see all the patterns.

And honestly, the saddest part is that people kill for the most ridiculous reasons. Because they feel embarrassed, insecure, or small. Because someone else is free, bold, or simply themselves and they can’t stand it.

It’s heartbreaking how some people carry so much darkness. And sure, I think some people  like rapists and pedophiles are absolute monsters. But even then, I don’t believe in killing them. Still, it’s hard to ignore how messed up some people are. You watch enough of these stories, and you start seeing the patterns. Trauma, hurt, pain. It all builds. 

And while I would never excuse killing, I can understand where the rage or desperation comes from. I could never be mad enough to take someone’s life. But the show got me thinking about people, about dating, about safety, about everything.

It’s weird. I feel like I’ve become more cautious than ever when it comes to dating. I still swipe sometimes, but even when I match with someone, I never go out with them. I guess part of me is scared. Or maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m slowly becoming that woman who lives alone with her dog.

And lately? That actually sounds okay. I really mean it. If I have to end up alone, I think I’m genuinely fine with that now. Of course, being loved romantically is nice. It would be beautiful to have someone truly see and appreciate me, the real me. But if I never find that person, it’s okay. For the longest time, I always assumed I would end up with someone. Like that was the natural conclusion. But now? Maybe not. And I think I’m finally at peace with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’ll never date again. That’s not it. I will, eventually. But I won’t settle for less than I deserve anymore. And I’m not in a rush. If true love finds me when I’m 70, then so be it. If it never finds me at all, that’s okay too. Maybe this is what self-love really looks like, at least for me, in this moment.

I told my friend the other day, I think I’ve made peace with the idea that I’ll just live life with love in my heart, but not actively chase it anymore. I didn’t say it out loud like that, because that would’ve been cheesy as hell. But that’s the vibe.

Also, I’m tired of swiping. Dating apps feel like I’m scrolling through a menu. “What should I eat today? German? English? French?” I’m treating people like food, and they’re not. I still use Bumble sometimes, not gonna lie. But it just feels weird lately. Sometimes I open it, then just close it right away. 

I think I just want to meet people in person. What happened to that? Why don’t we talk to strangers anymore? I know people still do, but it feels rare. That’s what I want. To just meet someone, naturally, and get to know them. And maybe that’s why I like going out alone. I usually end up talking to some stranger, and I think that’s what life is for me, those unexpected little moments.

Meeting someone randomly and getting to know them, no matter how different we are. If they end up giving me weird or bad vibes, I just leave. Simple as that. But I like the idea of connection that doesn’t come from a swipe.

To be fair, I’ve made friends on Bumble too. I even met a girl through it, and we’re still friends to this day. So I’m not against meeting people online. I just feel more aware now. Especially with men. Not that all men are bad I’m not saying that but we also have to be honest.

Some truly terrifying people walk this earth in the form of men. I mean, women kill too, obviously. But romantically, I mostly date men. So even when I’m scared of them, I can’t help but still be attracted to them. That’s the complicated part.

And because I know what I deserve, I’m not going to waste my time going out with just anyone. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up my flirty, fun, slightly naughty side. I’m just being more cautious about who gets access to that energy now. Most of my friends love trying to set me up with people anyway. Maybe I don’t even need to look, they’ll do it for me. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if my future love came from a friend’s matchmaking skills. My ex was actually someone my friend introduced me to, so I’m not even worried about whether or not I’ll find love again. Because with or without a man, I know I’m whole. I’m already surrounded by people I love and all of my friends are cool as hell. That’s all I need.

Anyway, I think that’s all I want to say today. I really missed writing this way. It’s always been a kind of therapy for me. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re having a good day, or at least finding some sort of peace in your own journey. Because that’s what I’m trying to do, too.